Palespyder’s Web

I have always thought I had a book in me. I know that it is not an easy task or more people would do it. I have a couple of ideas, none of which are very appropriate, but I think given enough time I could put at least one of them down into a decent format and start fleshing it out.

My wife’s #1 hobby is reading and I think she would be more then happy to proof, edit, and offer suggestions to me. The problem is motivation to write. What motivates someone to sit down and write out a 30 page chapter or is it more of a disjointed process of write a smallish (10 page) story and then start to flesh it out? Having never done this before I am kind of at a loss for where to start.

I guess I should just start doing a bit of research and see where it takes me. I am thinking historical fiction or maybe some fantasy. I would love to write something tailored for my wife’s tastes, that would be awesome as hell. She has a very eclectic taste in books so that might actually be kind of difficult to pull off.

Kindra and I have a really nice day planned tomorrow at Tanganyika Wildlife Park as well as shopping for fabric, hitting a couple bookstores, the library and a butcher shop. I am really excited at the prospect of spending time with my wife, it has been a long time since I had this feeling. She brought to my attention that she wanted this type of thing and I had not really thought about it in a long time. After our talk I realized that I had missed spending time with her so much and yet let it fall by the wayside as we “settled” in to our marriage and relationship.

We have also been talking about building a porch on the front of the house as well as repairing the fence and doing just general maintenance on the house that I have let go due to my obsession with things not real life related. The house has fallen into a sad shape and that is a dereliction on my part, which I plan to remedy as soon as humanly possible. Work first then play.

We have also been discussing finding other couples with which we can get along, that have no affiliation to the SCA, again keeping both her and I a bit more grounded in the real world. We have discussed also mini vacations to St. Louis, San Antonio, Denver, etc with Jennifer and Jason as a way to get out there and live life a little.

I have to admit, the prospect of all of this is a little exciting to me, maybe I am getting older, maybe I am growing as a person. But honestly, one can only be negative about life and down about the way things are for so long before you start to become jealous of those who embrace life and who take each day as a new beginning. I think that good things are on the horizon and know that now that we have discussed, things will continue to get better and better.

She is my everything, it is my job to make sure she knows that she is the most beautiful woman on Earth, that she is the most important thing in my life, and that there is nothing that I would not do for her. She moves me.

So sometimes in a relationship you must face adversity to move forward. My wife and I have always had a “let it be” relationship and apparently neother of us were really happy. Yesterday morning, it all came out in a very painful and very vivid argument. I spent the better part of yesterday concerned about things and last night when I got home, she told me she knew where I was coming from and that yes we needed some changes. After much discussing and laughing, a bit of crying, and a hug or two, we figured out together what the problems were, how to start working on them, and how to get to a place we should be in our relationship. This makes me incredibly happy.

So from this day forward, I promise to be much more mindful of my wife’s wants and desires. To listen intently to the things she says and een more intently to the things she may not say directly. It is up to me to be the best husband I can and to show her that SHE is the most important thing in my life and to show her herey day just how very much she means to me. She is my eveything and now is the time for action. A new dawn has come for me.

We also discussed religion. We are both pagan, I have been since I was 16, she has since she was about 25. We are not “good” pagans by any means, but we hope to change that. I am now looking for ways to get restarted in connecting with that part of me and sharing that with my wife. I cannot help but think this morning that the God and Goddess intervened and slapped me in the head with a very big hand to ensure I did not lose the one person in this world that was created just for me. I WILL FIND A WAY BACK TO THEM!

Had an okay fighter practice last night. Lot of people showed up and we had some really good fights. My training seems to be paying off a bit and I feel real good. I think changing my armour will help throw me for enough of a loop that I can bypass the next plateau. I think if I continually challange myself by fighting tired, hungry, irritated, annoyed, happy, sad, and in extremes of temperature that I can train my body to fight better in perfect conditions. I will be training with a sword and shield that are both to heavy and pushing myself beyond the point of tired to raise my stamina. I will gain the skills I want…

I have been trying to impress upon my “student” that you have to work pell work slowly. I am only trying to show her proper technique at the request of her actual trainer and I want to make sure she gets the techniques down solid. I told her last night that you have to visualize the fighting and the shots from start to finish, walk through it slowly and make the shot count. The only thing she should be concentrating on with that is exact and perfect form. She is coming along.

My mind is not where it should be, I need to focus on the inner self and stop concentrating so much on the things I cannot change. My mind is starting to try to betray me and I refuse to let that happen. I am master of my own fate. I am master of my own choices. I am master of all the things that do and do not happen to me. I need only apply that principle to my issues and move through them as though they are made of nothingness.

I have been spending an inordinate amount of time thinking about happiness and what that means. Happiness as defined by websters is as “the quality or state of being happy”. My thought process has led me to the end that whilst on the surface many of us seem like happy enough people. On the underside while we may be happy in one portion or another in our lives, we may harbor and unhappiness in others that causes the whole to fall to a point where we are forced to lie to ourselves and tell ourselves we are happy.

As an example, while a person may be socially, physically, and financially happy in a relationship, on an intimacy and emotional level they could be unhappy. Does this in turn cause the “WHOLE” to not longer be happy? The thing bothering me about this is that at what point does one become so enraptured in their own unhappiness that something “snaps” and they ake life changes nescessary to make themselves happy?

I will be the first to admit, I am emotionally handicapped. Most people figure this stuff out early in life and are more then willing to face their issues head on. I grew up in an abusive home, physically, emotionally, and mentally. I was a “pussy” or a “girl” if I expressed my emotions. My mechanism for dealing with this was to hide my true emotions and not tell anyone anything that might make them angry or upset even if that meant sacrificng my happiness to make that happen.

Fast forward 20 years and you have an emotionally stunted non-confrontational adult male who would rather just swallow his feelings of inadequacy and that he is undeserving of happiness. Seems to me for the things I have witnessed and been through in my life, the least I could be is happy. I mean really, do I get to have all of those little horrible keepsakes and be a huge bucket of crazy on top of that?

I guess I don’t know where I am going with this rant. Suffice to say my happiness is not where I think it should be and I am almost at my breaking point. I deserve happiness in all aspects of my life and relationships and should never have to settle for anything.

So I have been working on the Ren Faire ideas and trying to get things fleshed out. It is nice that people are coming out to help, I got two more people signed up last night HL Uldin and Lady Sung agreed to Marshal in Charge and Waterbear respectively. It is good to have people who are interested in the survival and future of the Barony and want to see everyone succeed. I see good things for this Faire and see very few obstacles at the moment. I will be contacting Thorgrim shortly to start that ball rolling early to ensure we have everything we need and they everything they need.

I got the go ahead last night also to offer a free site fee for out of Barony Heralds willing to do some work at Valor. God knows it’s the least we could do for those who are willing to travel so far and to spend their free time working for the enjoyment of others. Vivat the Volunteers!

For a few days now I have been thinking about happiness and the different types that a person must have to be complete. It is odd to me how you can be completely happy with some aspects of life and not want them to change because you are comfortable, yet at the same time, be so completely lost and empty in other areas. This has given me a great deal to think about and keep my mind occupied with.

Crown is over, Syr Hirsch won the tournament in what I can only describe as a fantastic fight. It is good to know he came out on top, he has been trying to a long time. He fought Duke Syr Valens VI, for the crown, and the Semis had Sean off the Chippendales and Ashir in with them. It was great and was the first time I had witnessed the oath that the combattants must swear, was pretty sobering.

I also came to the conclusion that you must be incredibly fast, strike a very telling blow, very cleanly or you are just spinning your wheels in that tournemant. The combattants all fought honorably and I was impressed with the amount of talking they do on the field.

I also came to the realization that I am not as young as I used to be. Drinking and courousing are for the younguns’, not for me. I think I will pass on the alcohol from here on out and just stick to water and delicious Diet Dr. Pepper.

All in all, I had a great time, the heat sickness and sore back are a testement to that. I look forward to many more events in the future and thank the people of Grimfells for their hospitality!

Cai and I will be leaving for Crown in Grimfells about 5:30-6:00 tonight. I am told it is about an 5 hour trip so that will put us there around 11 or so and we can get setup and stuff. He is bringing most of his camping stuff so it should be a fairly comfortable weekend.

I have been talking a lot about training with people. I am starting to see the benefit of hardcore training and practicing at the pell, it is to teach you proper technique so when the time comes you don’t have to think about it. I need to incorporate more movement into my pell work so that I am not a stationary target and just saddling up to people on the field and throwing blows. A stationary target is a dead target.

So I have a million things to get done. I have Valor, then Ren Faire, the preparation for Crown in January. It seems like I am starting to spread myself a bit thin and I am starting to doubt my own abilities. I know that I have the skills and knowledge to get all of this done, it’s just a matter of organization and time management.

First things first is Valor. I have to find Heralds to do the tournies and cry camp, and I just realized there is a possibility I will be asked to Herald a Kingdom court as all of the Heralds will be at Syposium, not saying I will but that it is a distinct possibility. I have myself and Johann so far, I will talk to Ellie as well.

Ren Faire is a lesson in herding cats. I am trying to coordinate several people as well as generate a revenue so we can play. I will be looking into making signs for the booths as well as making sure everyone has everything they need, designing the dell in such a way that we get people in and they have to walk past the booths to get out and in, as well as trying to find some people to become hawkers. I think we can really do good things we just need to get it all set right.

Crown is a ways off (6+ months) but I need to get with Ines and make sure we have what we need. I am not expecting to make it far, but I will be putting my best effort forward to get ready for it and to be there concentrating on my fighting.

All in all I don’t have a ton of stuff to do, but I just have to get off my can and start getting it finished.

Spent the long weekend just hanging out with Kindra at home, it is nice to be with someone who does not require constant attention and just lets you be you.

I started back doing Power 90X today. I have been off for a couple weeks due to laziness, but I know if I want to attain the skill level I am striving for I need to workout every day. The work outs are tough, but worth it and I always feel better when I have done them.

Fighter practice yesterday was pretty good. I seem to be moving well and picking up things that are helping me immensely. I have practice again tonight and will be working on more technique based stuff and working on my defense. I have also decided to mark “Bob” at the points I want to aim for, eyes, temples, hip joint, etc so that I am practicing to an exact point instead of just swinging at a general area, precision is the key.

Headed to Crown this weekend, hope to get in some good pick up fights.