I have been spending an inordinate amount of time thinking about happiness and what that means. Happiness as defined by websters is as “the quality or state of being happy”. My thought process has led me to the end that whilst on the surface many of us seem like happy enough people. On the underside while we may be happy in one portion or another in our lives, we may harbor and unhappiness in others that causes the whole to fall to a point where we are forced to lie to ourselves and tell ourselves we are happy.
As an example, while a person may be socially, physically, and financially happy in a relationship, on an intimacy and emotional level they could be unhappy. Does this in turn cause the “WHOLE” to not longer be happy? The thing bothering me about this is that at what point does one become so enraptured in their own unhappiness that something “snaps” and they ake life changes nescessary to make themselves happy?
I will be the first to admit, I am emotionally handicapped. Most people figure this stuff out early in life and are more then willing to face their issues head on. I grew up in an abusive home, physically, emotionally, and mentally. I was a “pussy” or a “girl” if I expressed my emotions. My mechanism for dealing with this was to hide my true emotions and not tell anyone anything that might make them angry or upset even if that meant sacrificng my happiness to make that happen.
Fast forward 20 years and you have an emotionally stunted non-confrontational adult male who would rather just swallow his feelings of inadequacy and that he is undeserving of happiness. Seems to me for the things I have witnessed and been through in my life, the least I could be is happy. I mean really, do I get to have all of those little horrible keepsakes and be a huge bucket of crazy on top of that?
I guess I don’t know where I am going with this rant. Suffice to say my happiness is not where I think it should be and I am almost at my breaking point. I deserve happiness in all aspects of my life and relationships and should never have to settle for anything.