So I have always had one. I kept myself from trying a good many things in my life due to an insane fear of failure. I could sit here and blame my bastard of a stepfather who beat it into my head that I was not good enough, not smart enough, not attractive enough, but that would just be a cop out. See, I am a believer that you have the choice to change that view, sometimes we don’t do it out of fear of the unknown or the fear of change, but the choice to change it is always there.
I am supposed to Herald this weekend, I will be doing a Knighting and 11 awards. Raven told me last night that everything is written down and God bless her, she gave me an out, a way to punk out and no do court if I so choose to do it. I cannot with good conscience do that. I would feel terrible and I think it would actually end up making me feel worse then I do now.
I do think I will step down as Caltrop. I thought I could do the job, I thought I could do the job well, but I truly believe their Excellencies would be better served by someone else. I was not as emotionally and mentally prepared for this as I thought I was and I need to just enjoy being in the SCA again, as a good, learning a nifty skill and showing up to fight a bit. Things like cleanup and setup/teardown are more my forte. Making things for the Barony is probably more where my strongpoints lie.
After Ren Faire I will be stepping down, I will work to get them a better replacement and then I will just spend some time working on my hobby and playing my game, I hope they understand.